WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
its liver damage thursday
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
