***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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