I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
