That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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