i don't like sucking hair
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize