If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize