im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I smell stomach acid.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
