Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
