I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
