seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
