Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
