He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
