I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
