so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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