WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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