Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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