We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
