well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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