Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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