I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
