I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
