he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
