Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
