We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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