Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
