We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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