dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
