Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
