if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
