Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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