Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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