my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I could fuck to npr.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
