Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
