I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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