just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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