why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
