i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
porn star boner night. come get it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
