I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
