I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
