party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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