I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
