this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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