My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
