just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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