bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
