i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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