I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
