I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize