I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
