You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
