I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
