so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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