I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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