dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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