btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
