Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
