i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
