Where did you get a picture of my penis
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
