What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
