Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
