There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
