in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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