Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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