I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
