hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
